I am sitting here on a Sunday morning with my stomach knotted. I think I heard Anna call out for me. But I am leaving her with the new carer, who is trying for the second day of the holiday to make a connection with her. Where do I go with my anger? Sometimes I pick on individuals, for example, some old work colleagues who used to know Anna but don’t stay in contact now, don’t return emails. Or parts of the social services who are slow to respond. Anna and I have to be slow in a lot of things, so when I see others being slow without good reason I feel my blood pounding.
Last week I went to the local authority customer services centre to pick up a blue badge for disabled parking and the woman behind the counter was sooo sloooow shuffling papers, wandering away from the desk and back, finding a file and then realising that the system had been computerised, looking at the screen, writing out the form, so that I was now at risk of being late for a work appointment. I stayed calm, well calmish, but I could feel the fury. I once took a taxi in Dublin and the taxi driver took me three times to a wrong address as we crossed and recrossed the city, so that I was two hours late for a meeting. ‘Why are you so stressed?’ he said, ‘you should learn to relax.’
Anna is angry, and I told the carer that it usually takes three days before Anna begins to relax with someone she doesn’t know so well. A new carer has to ask her things and that is hard work for her, it reminds her of what she doesn’t want to think about, and so she is angry.